Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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