We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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