It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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