I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
