I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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