ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
