So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
