Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I woke up under a house in Key West
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
