god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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