Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
