is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
