I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
