he puts the penis in happiness.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
