I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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