Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
