I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
