OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
