New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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