i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
