This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
