I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I cockslap morals
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
