so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
