woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We talked him into tasing himself.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
