my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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