Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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