either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
