i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
