News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
