The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
