Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
