I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
