the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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