Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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