then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
