never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
