Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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