can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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