Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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