Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
