he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
