two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
