We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
