final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
