Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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