so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
