No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize