Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
