Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
