I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
