Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
