I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
