i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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